Hi Everyone :)

Just a quick update or not. I've had my baby boy :)

It was all a bit eventful really.

When I hit bang on 37 weeks, I was stood in my kitchen and sneezed and ended up with a puddle on the floor, I thought it was my waters starting to leak. I rang labour ward and was told to walk for an hour and if any more leaked to come in. It didn't.

In the week that followed, baby was very quiet and I was worried that something was wrong, I had an appointment with my gynaecologist at 38 weeks and 2 days and I was pretty inconsolable by this point. He agreed that it was best to bring baby out early so I was booked for induction at 39 weeks and 1 day. I was also given a sweep and was 2cm dilated of my own accord.

Unfortunately baby didn't make his own way out before the induction so I went in at 7:30pm on Monday 1 September to be induced and was given my first set of gel at about 9pm. It hurt, a lot. It wasn't contraction pains or crampy it was an ache. It felt just like my endometriosis pain. I got in the bath and it didn't help so I was given co-codamol to ease it, that didn't help either. Tim left the hospital about midnight and I tried to sleep but I couldn't, the pain was still there and as much as I tried rocking and panting through it, I couldn't. I was given a dose of Diamorphine which helped and some gas and air while they examined me, that is LOVELY stuff. The diamorphine knocked me out and I woke up the next morning sucking on the gas and air mouthpiece.

The Tuesday I was waiting all morning for something to happen or even be examined and nothing happened. Tim and I were bored rigid. At lunchtime I was told that I was 7TH(!!!) in the queue as they had 3 spontaneous labours and 3 emergencies before me. I was so upset. I was then told at 4pm that I would be given an examination at 6pm. Tim bought us some chips and at 6 I was examined. No change so I was given more gel. However by this time the first set of gel had worn off and I would need to restart the process making this effectively my first set of gel. Tim stayed until about 11 and I tried panting and rocking again but it didn't work so I had another dose of Diamorphine. I was given the gas and air back for my examination.

Again the Diamorphine knocked me out and I was woken at 7 on Wednesday 3rd for another examination. I still hadn't progressed so was given more gel and was told I would be given one more set of gel at lunch if nothing had happened and if that didn't work then I would have a cesarian section on Thursday morning. At lunchtime I saw a different doctor and she was able to pop my waters, it felt like I'd wet myself and there was loads of it! She advised that my waters would have been poppable that morning, it was just that my cervix was twisted. I went down to labour room and was put on a drip to ramp up my contractions. I had been adamant pretty much all the way through my pregnancy that the only pain relief I wanted was gas and air. However having two sets of Diamorphine had weakened my pain threshold. The first resort was to give me another set of Diamorphine, I did ask for gas and air but was told I wasn't far enough along. The Diamorphine wasn't helping and I ended up having an epidural, although even that needed topping up because it didn't take full effect the first time. I was examined at 4pm when I was given the Epidural and told I'd be examined again at 9pm. I started saying at about 8pm that I could feel pressure and was told that it was normal and it was pretty much dismissed. When I was examined at 9pm, unsurprisingly his head was just sat there - hence what the pressure was! I pushed a couple of times and his head came out, another couple of pushes and the rest of him followed. Baby was born at 9.18pm on Wednesday 3rd September 2014 weighing 7lb 2oz. Not that big a baby after all! 

We named him James Freddie. Shortly after he was born he went blue and I feared he had died. He was rubbed with a towel and put under the heater and was fine. Because of three sets of Diamorphine he didn't wake to feed much for the first 48 hours but now he's a little gannet! I love him very much but I am finding being a mum very challenging and unfortunately have been put on anti-depressants for Post Natal Depression but I'm confident I'll get there.

The end is in sight!

Hi everyone!

So sorry i've been away for a while! I've been busy growing my baby :)

We found out at 20 weeks, that we are having a boy!

So i'm now 36 weeks and 3 days pregnant and the end is near!

When I saw my consultant at 16 weeks, I was advised that due to my Endometriosis and baby's weight, if I have not gone into labour at 2 days past my due date then they will induce me (usually they give you two weeks). However he didn't think that was necessary as he reckoned I would go anytime after 37 weeks (which is now this Sunday).

I had a routine midwife appointment this week and was pleased to be told that baby is 4/5ths engaged, meaning he can decide to shuffle out as soon as he wiggles his final fifth into my pelvis.

Its strange that theoretically I could be holding my little man this time next week.

I've continued to have bleeding all through my pregnancy which has resulted in lots of trips to the maternity ward and one which ended in an overnight stay. I was not impressed!

Ive had lots of monitoring and lots of scans and examinations and baby still remains happy and well.

They kept saying they were unable to find the cause of the bleeding and it was really starting to baffle everyone.

I can now happily say that yesterdays examination bought some conclusive results!

I have been suffering from cervical erosions. Cervical erosions can happen to anyone but are obviously more common if you suffer from 'gynecological abnormalities'.

In serious cases they can weaken the cervix but in most cases are completely harmless.

If you believe you are suffering from these you can ask for an internal examination (although I should point out this involves a metal clamp (except it expands instead of clamping anything) inserted into your female area and its not comfortable or pleasant, infact if they wiggle hard enough its bloody sore!!) This will be able to confirm whether your cervix is intact (apart from the erosions)

Anyway thats it from me for now. I will come back and update you when I can happily say that I've had my healthy baby boy :)

xoxo

Never lose hope

Hi Blog

Sorry it's been a while.

It's been a busy few months.

I was right as rain for Christmas and new year and with all the celebrations, the gifts, the food, the lights, the atmosphere and the love, I was given a wonderful surprise. I was given a positive pregnancy test.

Feel free to re-read that, I wont blame you. I had to do about 6 tests to believe it. But yes by some unknown miracle I made a baby with no problems at all. 

I'm now 19 weeks and in ten days time find out if we're having a son or daughter.

It's not been an easy pregnancy. I've had spotting on and off since 5 weeks - resulting in numerous scans. Every time baby has been absolutely fine and we can't find anything to cause the bleeding so we shall put it down to the obvious shall we. I've been incredibly sick! At 17 weeks I thought my waters were leaking the consultant confirmed they weren't but couldn't determine what the liquid was.

I had my sixteen week appointment with the consultant which is where they decide if your care will be midwife led or consultant led. Consultants means more appointments with a consultant whereas midwife you don't really see him again.

I thought I was going to be consultant due to my endometriosis and all the bleeding. I am actually on shared care. It means most of it is done by the midwife but the consultant will stick his head in where he deems appropriate. He says this is because of my history and also the concern of the fact my baby is measuring big. Hooray, I'm growing a baby elephant!

I'll keep you updated with how i'm getting on but for now, all I can say is never give up. There has been times where I never believed this would happen. I look back at the treatment choices I made and I know they were worth it. 

xoxo

Suffering

Hiya blog!

OK so it's not been so long since I last blogged but unfortunately that's not a good thing. (I meant to do this on Thursday but then Tim started cooking and I had to run an errand and then, well, life got in the way so to speak).

I've really suffered this month, not good.

I ended up taking co-codamol on 26th November for my pain - except it's been that long since I took them that I took them on an empty stomach. Drove back to work picking up a sandwich on the way and then it all went a bit pear shaped. I got really light headed as it had been well over 12 hours since I last ate anything, my head was spinning and I tried to eat but I felt so sick (from the pain, the co-codamol or a mix of both, I couldn't be bothered working out which). I was sat at work with my head between my legs - so attractive and a cup of sugared water. I got over that though and moved on as you do.

A week later, 3rd December I ended up having an impromptu appointment with the gynae. As lovely as he is and it was to have a catch up, it's never a good sign being in his office is it? I had what could only resemble a bladder infection. However the doctor thought it was tied to my Endometriosis so sent me to Gynae. It hurt to pee, really hurt, I felt like I needed to wee all the time. Bathing didn't help, drinking wasn't doing anything. I tried over the counter medicine for cystitis this also did nothing. I had been suffering since November 30th but was trying to control this - in the end I just couldn't. Suffering became too hard. The nurse wrote out a prescription for some tablets but she got it wrong. The pharmacy refused to give me the tablets as the script was wrong and sent me back to hospital. The nurse refused to take responsibility and I stood for an hour arguing with a number of people in Gynae/the pharmacy to do something. In the end I ended up breaking down into tears and shouting 'Will somebody just give me something - anything to help me'. I felt like a flaming junkie. 

Telling Tim that night about my day shocked him somewhat. Like every man in my life, he hadn't fully understood. He didn't realise just what this does to my life. Seeing the look on his face, broke my heart. I remember him saying he was stupid for not fully taking in what me having this meant. He wasn't and isn't silly - I don't expect him to understand, I never have and never will. He is amazing though, he's so supportive and I couldn't ask for more than that. I know that when I need him, he'll be there.

He proved how much I could depend on him three days later when I crashed my car! That wasn't anything to do with my Endometriosis though - that was me being an idiot driver. I called him and he was straight there.

I'm suffering these past couple of days, I am extremely tired and today I had a short stabby pain that stopped me in my tracks but i'm battling through as you have to really. 

I find the Endometriosis reappearing alot easier. I'm not sure if that's because of the amazing support I get from Tim or because I'm used to it. I'd like to think the first. Hopefully the symptoms won't last and i'll be right as rain for christmas and 2014.

xoxo

Another couple of months another couple of big changes

Me again!

Where to begin?

I suppose I best start by saying that after all my efforts the past six months to become a full time barmaid and after making it to a relief assistant manager for pubs.... I left my job on October 26th.

While being a RAM, I met alot of people, this happens anyway being a barmaid but because I was on relief I was moving around to different pubs. Ten in 4 months to be precise. However on my second to last pub, I met somebody who has made my life so different. He yes HE, has turned my world upside down but in a good way.

I met him and I knew then that I wanted him. I got him. On my last pub it became apparent though that being in pubs and being part of a relationship did not mix, something had to give and I couldn't let that be my relationship. 

I walked away from pubs knowing that I had made the right decision, I went back to a bank and I am really enjoying the routine again. I love cooking dinner for us instead of me working and him being sat in the pub. I love going out at the weekends. I love having the same days off as everyone else!

I was tired of being tired all the time. I didn't want to be lonely. I wanted my life. 

So yes thats my first bit of news.

I suppose my second bit of news is combined in there too!

I've met someone new. He's lovely, he's so kind, I feel like a princess and the other day I said 'I love you' for the first time since I said it a good couple of years ago! I meant it. 

I have mentioned briefly my endometriosis but I dont want to go into it. Not yet. I don't see what good it would do. I have had to hide it on a couple of occasions and of course i'm not proud of that. I know that he wouldn't mind if I didn't hide it, but I would. I don't want him to worry. It hurts yes but he cant take the pain away. Maybe I am in denial now more than I was when I found out. I don't know. 

Anyway thats it from me for now, no doubt i'll update again soon, i'll try and make it before new year ;)

xoxo

So maybe 'regular' blogging was a bit optimistic!

In my defense, some days I barely get chance to breathe!

So I did it - I am now a full time barmaid :)))

My endometriosis has had a couple of funny reactions to this but nothing that is going to stop me!!

I had one night of pain but it was fine, I took a paracetamol and carried on.

The worst bit is when I worked a 60 hour week, I was physically and emotionally exhausted I just couldnt compose myself but I bounced back and don't regret a second of it.

I always thought that this would hold me back but it's not. 

I am determined to make something of myself, to do what I want and do it well. 

xoxo

Let's see if we can try and get back into this on a regular basis?

I am however making no promises! :P

Unfortunately I lost my job at the bank, but have no fear! I have decided... wait for it...... I'm going to become ...... a......... BARMAID!

I know you're sitting there thinking 'but you're already a barmaid?' yes I am, an evening barmaid however I am going to take it up full time. Exciting no?

Hopefully this will be happening imminently and if not then I have lots of other options until it does come about!

My endometriosis seems to be reacting in a pretty good way to bar work, I must admit I was worried, but it's nothing like I feared. I'm not going to lie sometimes it hurts at the end of the night but not enough to even need a paracetamol. 

I have been feeling sick pretty much constantly recently but i'm not sure if that's endometriosis or something else. I haven't been down for a while but again, i've been given a reason to smile.

I love my life so much right now that I rarely even consider my endo.

When I was unhappy it would be there everyday and now? Now it's not.

I guess my point is this: Cherish those that mean the most to you because they are what enriches your life. Take the risk, because sometimes it turns out to be the best thing you could have done. Ride the storm because one day you'll reach the rainbow. Never regret what you did. Forget about the past, you can't change it, live for today, before it's gone, and dream of your future because one day you'll wake and realise that it's passed you by. 

Mind over matter - everyday.

xxxx

Remember me? ;)

Hi!

Haha. Over a year since i've blogged - where do I begin? What do I say?

Let's summise what's happened.

I went to England last June and made my decision - now was the time to leave, for good, to go home. So I came back to the Island I gave up my flat, sold all my stuff, learned to drive and passed my test in three months! I bought my car and began to look for a job. I found one in February of this year, so I handed in my notice and I packed my suitcase loaded my stuff into my mini with my mum and left. However I didn't start my new job, I got home and all I wanted was to come back to the Island. Four years worth of dreams gone. 

Steph and I made things up after my last blog, like we should be and we turned 20, I didn't bother with mine but we celebrated hers and it was one of many nights I will treasure. We may fall out and we may go ages without seeing each other but you will always be such a massive part of my life and I could never see you hurting. Christmas came around and we bought new year in together. Like we have for the past three years. :D Saying goodbye was hard and the second thing I did after getting off the boat was come and see her. 

Then there is Stasi, she knows more about my life than she probably wants to know, but then again the same goes for me and her life! I miss her and Oliver something rotten when I'm on the island but ours is a testament that good friendships arent based on seeing each other all the time. I cant wait to go and see her and Oliver for his party in a couple of weeks :) He is such a cutie and she is an amazing mum!

My relationship, well least said soonest mended I guess. It was decided (not mutually) that it was not worth carrying on with after almost 6 MONTHS of trying to fix it. BUT things fall apart so better things can fall together as they say. 

I also now work two jobs (a bank in the day and a pub at night) and thanks to this I have my own flat back, ironically right next door to the one I gave up :)

Finally and most importantly (?) My endometriosis. It's not be fun or easy. BUT I haven't been hospitalised since my operation (YEAH!!) A few of them have been painful, I had to dig myself out the snow one weekend and that was it, I was in tears because i'd 'overdone' it. Reality is I had dug my car out, no different to everyone else. I'm not sure how it's going to take to working two jobs (especially one on my feet and heavy lifting). I still get days where I am sick. Where I am down. I am tired a lot of the time. But I know that as long as I can treat the pain I will be OK.

xxxxxxx  
   

 

Pain isn't everything

It's not been as long since my last blog, Haha I might just be getting back into this.

I feel today I should blog because its been a bit of a rough weekend :(

I had a nice chilled out night on Friday, lazing on the sofa, bit of pampering, nice relaxing bath and then promptly was sick. Fab. I should have expected it, it's been building up during the week. I just didn't think. 

Saturday and Sunday, everything is fine. 

Monday comes along and it was a miserable day (weather wise) so I think what to do. I know let's bake cakes! Everything was fine but it seems that the effort of whisking the mix and putting two lots in the oven and melting two lots of chocolate was too much and I was ill again. I couldn't actually believe it. An hour before i'd been smiling and happy and whisking cake mix and yet there I was, drifting off to sleep feeling and looking rubbish :(. I hate it. 

SO today I went to work and felt a bit ill but thought nothing of it and with cold coke, (thanks Leffy!) went to Tescos after work and that was fine, came home made dinner as you do. After dinner I was watching the tele and I had this strange feeling. Looked down and my nose was bleeding. Unreal. I was never a nose bleedy kid. I have got to age 20 and still panic when I get a nose bleed. Thinking of it I had a snuffly nose since I went to bed last nite and thought nothing of it. Idiot.

There is more that I won't go into in the blog but it's safe to say - i'm not well. :( I'm gutted, everything in my life is amazing right now but then I feel like i've just been wiped out. 

In other news, I bought a TENS Machine! I haven't had any pain to try it out on yet though. Damn it! I would rather pain than all this other shite now i've got a TENS! Bring it on! But I have hooked it up and everything so I know it works, I know how to set it up when i'm in pain and to see what it feels like. It doesnt really kick in until you set up the vibes up until about 8 for me and then it feels a bit like tense skin, but I have it set to ten and its like a teeny tiny person, like a pixie, walking back and forth across the inside of your tummy, how cool!

We counted the money in dads Money bottle on Sunday, we had more than ever before and there was so many pound coins in there, during his latter days, Grandad never had any pound coins and used to apologise he never had them to give to me (softy!). We worked out why on Sunday. Love you always Grandad! <3

Steph and Margaret came round last week, it felt so good to laugh with them. Margaret and I seem to go ages without a catch up, need to rectify that. It felt like forever since i'd seen Steph but while she was here, nothing had changed. I'm hoping to see her soon. I love you guys millions! <3

Everything in life is so good right now, I couldn't be happier apart from being better. :) 

xoxo

One month on

OK so it's been just over a month since I had my lap, I feel in a position to comment just how its been.

There's been a lot more awareness on the television this week about Endometriosis, there was a lady in Casualty that had it and then a lady was on embarrassing bodies with it. It makes me feel better to see things like this. There isn't enough awareness anywhere about Endo. I feel now that there is people out there with this condition. I never thought I was the only one, I knew 2 million women in the UK had it but I didn't sort of believe it because I'd never met anyone with it, seen anyone with it, spoke to them. Granted I know that the lady on Casualty was only acting but nonetheless it was recognised. That woman on Embarrassing bodies, she was real. I'm glad the lady on Casualty was only an actress because the advice she was given was wrong, the BBC could have handled it alot better IMO. For anyone reading this that watched it, what was said was not entirely true. They mentioned one of the best things to do was go on the pill. This is an option yes, and was pushed onto me in the beginning, please don't feel that this is for the best if it doesn't suit you, its not the only option. There was also a mention of having an operation (laparoscopy) which would give you a five year ish gap to try for a baby but thats about it. This really got to me and is absolutely not true. You can try for a baby until you become menopausal like all other women. Endometriosis does not equal definite infertility. Some women are lucky to not have affected fertility such as the woman on embarrassing bodies. Infertility is a general term and can just mean it takes longer/more effort/more intervention to become pregnant, some people get pregnant at the drop of a hat but find it hard to maintain the pregnancy. Your fertility is not automatically doomed or restricted just because of Endometriosis.The woman on Embarrassing bodies, really did make me feel better. She had a laparoscopy and they showed it! It was VERY strange to see what would have happened to me. The tape on the eyes, the coloured tummy the moving the person over, where the cameras went in, everything! When they got in to her womb, they described her as having perfectly healthy ovaries, this was EXACTLY what was said to me before it was explained that you can still have cells, just not where they should be. Then it was highlighted that Lauren (I think that was her name) had webbing which was caused by Endo, and when they got through that, they found dark spots, they just looked like dark veins. It's made me want to see my pictures again to see if I have these dark lines as they looked familiar, I don't remember webbing.  Anyway moving on!

I got an appointment to see the surgeon, the first thing I said when I was back on the ward is I did not want to see him again. I am fed up of him telling me I have IBS. I don't. I'm sorry but your wrong! I know what happens to my body and I have NO symptoms of IBS and a hell of a lot of Endometriosis symptoms. Out of all the medical people i've seen (10 on average, including doctors, nurses, gynaecologists, sonographers) you are the only one to disagree its Endometriosis. Anyway I'm cancelling this appointment. I am not going to see someone who will refer me to a bowel specialist, its a waste of mine and their time.

My scars! The one on my navel has gone completely. I can't tell where it was, if I'd only had that one, you would never know I'd had an operation, i'm amazed! The one on the bottom of my stomach, annoyingly is a very deep purple, still lumpy, and very obvious i'm afraid. This however was my fault not the surgeon's. I now I did too much in recovery and this is the result. Please please go easy!

Finally the endometriosis itself. I have felt a million times better in terms of mentally. I am in a constant state of happy since my operation, I obviously get annoyed at day to day things (such as the smelly tramp on the bus today!) like everyone else, but I don't get down anymore. I don't get muddled up in my head because I don't know whats wrong. It feels brilliant! I still get very tired and look forward to every weekend because I know I can sleep all day if needs be. I have however taken some iron tablets which helped slightly, I think its a mix of my anaemia and Endo that has caused the tiredness. More importantly the pain. I have to be honest and I really don't like saying this but, this month has been the worst pain wise so far this year I would say. Ive had pain thats made me stand still and hold my stomach like someone has just stabbed me, at totally random times, one I can recall is I was unlocking my front door and it hit me. The worst pain day I was at work. It lasted four long hours. It was uncontrollable like when I had the cell rupture. I had two tramadol and a paracetamol and they did nothing. I was panting like women in labour through them, I was stood up rocking, I was sat down squirming. I could not get comfy, I was in tears and everyone around me was fussing. It was horrible. I knew there was nothing that could be done about it I just had to ride it through. People thought I was going to pass out I thought I would at one point.

I still maintain that a laparoscopy was a positive. I can now at least say I tried it.

Wow what a mammoth post!

I'm off to bed!

xoxo

Oh wow where to start

I cant beleive its been five months since I blogged. I apologise if this is long and waffled.

In that time there has been positives and negatives.
Positives: Moved flat, been on holiday, had christmas and new year
Negatives: Lost my wonderful grandad, I was the apple of his eye and I love him and miss him dearly, almost lost my precious kitty cat and became single.

But theres one more thing. Ten days ago I had a laparoscopy. I fought for a year and a half for it and I won! Don't give up, its your body, your illness and your treatment and noone has the right to stand in the way of that.

Unfortunately I am one of those 'not uncommon' unlucky ones who has these nice little cells that are not in a blindingly obvious place and therefore could not be removed. People have asked if i'll have another op. The answer is no. If they go digging further they could damage something beyond repair. Im not willing to take that risk. Although the operation 'wasn't a success' I still feel it was the best thing i'd ever done. I got time to find me again because since I last blogged with everything that happened I lost myself, I seemed to give myself here there and everywhere, until I didn't feel anything anymore and ended my relationship. Then I spent a while in a 'mourning' period. But having that operation was like flicking a switch and made me stronger as a person. I had five days on my own to think and remember just who I am. Ive had a spring in my step again and just feel generally better. Anyway i'm rambling.

After the op I had a sore throat where they shove a camera down it (ooer) my tummy was a bit sore for a while but after the pain you get from Endometriosis it pails into insignificance. The worst bit by far is not being able to do anything, not being able to sit. I had the op on the Friday and after getting up and down off the couch, in and out of bed by Saturday lunch my wounds were bleeding and I had to go back to my mums, she really looked after me, she washed my hair for me bless. Sunday I came home and was in the shower I bled quite a bit I thought I was going to have to go back to the ward. Monday I went round tesco, it was murder, I was so sore by the time I got half way round, please if you have a laparoscopy dont underestimate anything. It is hard work. But if I didnt do it, no one else did. I went back to work the Thursday after however had picked up a bug while in hospital for those whole 12 hours! God. So went back in Friday and stayed in. Its still sore now but yet again is a very small pain. I have to get up every couple of hours to go for a walk if ive not been lying down because of where they cut its a bit sore. I can see one of the wounds its like someone has got purple pen and drawn a little line, its quite funky really! I cant see the one in my belly button they did a really good job! Id say ive had more 'stingy' pain from my wounds than achy pain from my tummy.

For the pain now, mum has read about TENS machines helping and we're going to invest in a portable one. For the other effects? Well i've managed two years right? I will keep going.

My cousins wife has started a blog, reading that made me restart mine. Laura, we love you for you, remember that. I am so proud of my big cus for finding someone as magical as you! I couldnt ask for a better wife for him. I'm not just saying this to make you feel better, because it probably won't. Just because the sun isn't shining right now, it will one day, just because it feels wrong doesnt mean it is, but people telling you everythings alright doesn't mean it is either. No matter how everything looks, you are always a beautiful person to a lot of people who love you dearly xxx

My amazing best friends, I miss you and I'm sorry for everything getting lost in the mash up. You are never far from my mind. xx

Matt, I'm sorry it didn't work but remember we were happy and those memories will carry on for as long as you hold them x

For any readers, wondering where you go with Endometriosis, you have to do what you feel is right for YOU! Nobody else will benefit more than you.

xx

Moping Monday & Turn Around Tuesday

Sorry guys I just wasnt well enough to blog yesterday :(

Monday 10 September 2011 - I didn't go to work. I was just too tired and sore. :( I slept right up until about half one with a couple of wake ups in between. I was sore to sit and stand :( I just lay in bed all day, officially sorry for myself. Matt came round though. Always cheers me up!

Tuesday 11 September 2011 - It's not been as bad today, had a couple of cocodamol and muddled through, still really tired. Had to book my appointment for this month today and it went down like a lead balloon.... again! It's assumed that I ask for awkward times for appointments. I was asked if in future I can book them at the start or end of the day or in my lunch. I would love to leave at half three/four for an appointment but I cant when Mr Fayle only works Tuesday MORNINGS! I would love an appointment first thing and then come to work but I am one in a long line of people waiting to see him. The appointment would have been in my lunch had planning not changed my hours. ARGH! I wish I wasn't taking time out to see him or the doctor or go to AandE or have the day off sick. I didn't flaming ask for this disease! Lord knows if I could make it go away, I would. Im off to bed, im so sleepy. A drink and some sweeties I think.

xoxo

Worst Weekend catch up

:'(

Friday: I was painted as a cat at work, it was soo cool! I was buddying with Louisa watching her do cases after shed watch me do them, I had a right laugh. We got our prize for the competition, a big tin of heroes, YUM! Think me and my boy will have to have a nice night in with them. I went out for a couple of hours but my feetses got sore so I came home early. It was a nice night with Matt. Id been happy all week, it had such a positive effect on our relationship.

Saturday: This is where it all goes wrong. My stomach was soo sore yesterday. I was screaming in pain, I almost went back to hospital. Its official - the cocodamol has stopped working :( I was dreading this. I don't know what to do, or where to go from here. I took a tramadol and it knocked me out, I was in a lot of pain until I fell asleep and was fine when I woke up. I was normal for a couple of hours after. I took another tramadol before I went out but was sat in the manxy and was in a fair amount of pain again, it was really uncomfortable but I was adamant I wanted to watch Karaoke! I came home and went to sleep.

Sunday: Its been a bit better today but i've been in a permanent state of tiredness, when im not lying down its sore. Its really uncomfortable to sit for too long. It weakens me to stand, I just want to flop. I dont want to take any more tablets because I need to get out of this state of tiredness.

This weekend has made me think about my appointment. What do I do if I can't have this op? :'( Part of me thought the temporary menopause is my next option. But how do I decide if the risk is worth it. I put up with all of this crap because one day I want to be a mum. If I take that drug, and I never come out of menopause, I will kick myself until the day I die. I will feel like somebody has ripped my heart out and run away with my dreams aswell. I cant put myself in that position. Besides I've read all the side effects and I would rather suffer with what I know than find a whole new world of feeling horrible.

Or I get pumped full of drugs and mess my body up even more and when I stop those drugs... when this pain returns and it is ten times worse because its had however long to build up.... how do I fix that?

If thats my options, I would rather scream in pain, knowing that it will be over with in a couple of days.

I don't want to do this. I want it to go away. I want to be normal.

Im sorry this post is sad and I want to go back to being happy, I will be when this pain is gone, but right now, im scared, so so scared.

xoxo

Wednesday 5 October & Thursday 6 October

Sorry guys its another two day entry.

Wednesday - Not alot to say, still sooo thirsty. Apart from that, all's good! - This is why I didn't blog yesterday aha!

Thursday - Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Im mooooooooooooooving!! Hahahah yaayness!

Im going into a bigger flat as soon as ones available :) Wooop! So excited!

Im still thirsty, today I've had 500ml of summer fruits water, an orange juice juicebox, and a 500ml bottle of coke and I'm still thirsty. Ive been getting some weird tuggy pains in my belly today. Bugger!

Ive had a realllly itchy eye today, Bex has had it too, she thinks its the weather. My eczema is still shocking and its really sore when I scratch it (which isnt often).

Your picture today is of a flat like what my new one will be.



xoxo

Tuesday 4 October 2011

Aha I have officially admitted im in the christmas mood on Facebook.

Eeep, so excited!

With regards to the endo its not been too bad today. My insides are still a bit dodgy. Ive not really been tired today. Got my appetite back. I felt a bit shaky on my legs this afternoon.

Im realllllly thirsty at the moment though! Bah. I don't feel tired now even though its quite late!

There was a game at work today we had to get into pairs and one of us was blindfolded, the other was given a picture and we had to instruct the blindfolded one, how to draw it, without saying what it was. Matt and I won!! Yaaaaaay!

Thats about it really.

Today you can have a video instead. Its self explanatory

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYTnzNeTWmE

xoxo

Monday 3 October 2011

Christmas hurry up please? Cheers.

Payday get your ass this way! Many thanks.

Aha Im sooooooooo excited about christmas already, *I may be playing christmas songs* SHHHHH!

Im waiting for payday next month cos then I can buy all the pressies. Yaayness, then November paycheck and a bit ive already saved can go on Manchester :) Eeep. Exciting times!

Right sorry back to endo :/

Pretty much the same as yesterday, except my appetite is back, but nothing tastes nice! Bahhhh.

Everyone commented on my hair today - its a hit!

My belly and bladder went again today, argh so annoying, why wont they just work?!

3 weeks tomorrow I see Mr Fayle, I still have NO idea what I want to do if I cant have a laparoscopy. How do I decide if I should take the risk for the temporary menopause, knowing it may result that I can never have a child? But if I dont do it, there is NO guarantee in this lifetime that I can have one anyway.

Argh!

I've had a good day today, very smiley.

Im off to bed now though. Your picture today is my new hair :)



xoxo

Forgive me?

Aha first off, that title is aimed at YOU, yes, you, reading this post.

Sorry i've got another three day catch up! Good news is, I remembered to do it tonight!

Friday: What a shit day. No more said.

Saturday: NEW HAIR!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Ahh back to being dark again. Got fed up of the pink! It's too hard to maintain and everyone is doing it. I did it to be different. People were guessing my colour and coming up with green blue or orange, aha, cheers! Had a lovely day and night until about ten. I got a sore belly and my bladder just gave in :( For those who don't have endo, don't worry it doesn't mean I wet myself or anything haha, just basically non existant! Came home and the stupid woman next door was having a party, argh.

Sunday: Lazzzzy day with my boy! Good stuff! Ive been really sleepy today. Foods become a bit of a problem, I don't want to eat but I think something sounds nice and then its like. Bleugh, bin! Not a problem when Im trying to lose weight like but bah! This eczema is still shocking on my neck!

Anyhus off to bed for me as im cream crackered. Todays picture is a nice glass of water cause im parched



xoxo

Wednesday 28 September & Thursday 29 September 2011

Wednesday 28: I was quite tired again, I was in a big grump and I don't know why. I know it frustrates Matt when I won't cheer up. I wish I could tell him whats wrong. But the truth is... I just don't know. It's just 'one of them moods'.

Thursday 29: I got a good nights sleep last night so wasnt too tired when I woke up this morning. My exczema is soo bad at the moment, its all up my neck :( Its really itchy and when I scratch its sore. Im not scratching as much as I used to which is good. It looks so unsightly aswell. I however REFUSE to put make up on my neck, i've never done that. Foundation is so expensive so im not slapping loads of it on anywhere other than my face. People will just have to deal with seeing it.

In other news I have a month to drop two dress sizes. Fuck. HELP!

PMA Kim - I can do this.

OK todays picture lets have a nice pair of jeans to emphasise the weight loss.


xoxo

Tuesday 27 September

Is it really only Tuesday? Booo!

I got added on Facebook by somebody I deleted during a bad time last year, it was a nice surprise. Thank you lovely!

I've been much better today a lot less tired however I have one grumble and thats my flaming foot! It is sooooooooo sore, it's like the pain you get in your leg but its just moved from the leg and is sat in my foot. Its redicilus!

I've not been too hungry today but im not complaining. I can't wait for the weekend to get here!

Your picture today is a smiley face after something today



xoxo

Sunday 25 & Monday 26 September 2011

Sunday: I had an alright day yesterday was tired by the end of the night. I had a sore tummy in the morning and was ill. I was OK when I went to lunch with Matt though. It was weird. I bumped into someone from work who said shed been to hospital because she had a sore tummy all weekend and they couldnt work out what it was. I know how that feels. We booked our flights for Manchester, £250!!! What a joke! But still, had to be done, looking forward to going now.

Monday: Today was shocking. I woke up so tired that I had the funny feeling in my chest and tummy. I stayed in bed until half eight. I wasn't going in, I might at lunch time if it got better. Matt made me go in. I came home at half 11, the feeling wasn't going away and almost reduced me to tears. That wasn't fair for me or for others having to put up with my mood. I came home and had a snooze, felt a bit light headed. Onwards and upwards heres to tomorrow being better!

Todays picture is an aeroplane (because we booked the flights)



xoxo