Today's been a bit of a meh day.
I booked two appointments as I have the Gynae in a week and I have the ultrasound department this Friday. My team leader asked how often these appointments will be. I feel like they are a burden to the service level and put me in a bad light.
I feel like a bad employee and they are my fault. But they're not. I never asked to have this. I never wanted this and if I could change this believe me I would. But I can't i'm stuck with this for life. I suffer the effects. :'( I feel bad enough already.
I'm not dealing with this well but I feel like I have to because nobody really understands just what it's like.
My mum and auntie do. Steph does she just looked at me and went 'That's awful, i'm so sorry' The gynae does because he KNOWS about this and he sees people suffer all the time but my dad doesn't, Matt doesn't really, my team leader doesn't. I feel like they all expect me just to get over it. So I try and smile and pretend that i'm fine and i've accepted it but I havent. I'm still angry, I can see the positives in the fact that it's not cancer or something that bad but I still want to hit out. I still want to scream. I've never been a mummys girl, always a daddy's girl but by god sometimes, just sometimes there is nowhere else id rather be than on my bed at my mums having a big cuddle and cry.
I used to think my anaemia made me tired and my bulimia what made me sick sometimes. Silly things that were all caused by different things but they're not, they're all part of this crappy disease! It's hard realising that it's not different things effecting your life but one big cloud of Doom!
I walked home from work again today. I was shattered half way but I carried on.
Looking back its been a bit of a rubbish day really hasn't it. Ho hum, onwards and upwards, right? We'll see.
xoxoxo
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